yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
