I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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