i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
