I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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