I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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