I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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