Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
