Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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