yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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