I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
