you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
