So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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