I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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