I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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