You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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