good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
