my phone needs a breathalizer
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
