My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
