Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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