Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
