Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
