Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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