Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
