can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
