Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
