It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
