i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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