when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
