So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
