I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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