I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drake has all the answers
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
