it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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