she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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