how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
