he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
