He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
