I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
