Kiss
Puke
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
