i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
