ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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