Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
