I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
