I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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