I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
