have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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