She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
