I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
