Sponge bath it is.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
