Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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