on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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