new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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